The Stranger In My Phone

I'm one of those people who never puts

off their phone okay in today's terms

it's called for more fear of missing out

and my friends often ask me whose goal I

want to miss but I think if they're

looking for a replacement for Oprah and

they figure that I'm the and my

phone is off what am I going to do this

is going to be a huge tragedy right well

the phonic tragedy that actually

happened in my life happened 10 years

ago because that's the time when my

phone number got posted on a Bollywood

website along with some other Bollywood

stars my friends told me I should be

really flattered because I'm from TV and

this just meant that I was really

popular I didn't tell them that it could

be because I was hosting Indian Idol

which is like a pan Indian musical

reality show and half of this country's

population are closeted aspiring

playback singers so that could have had

something to do with it but for the next

from the very next day I had 40 to 60

extra calls a day all right

they varied from weirdos who couldn't

even say hello to those who pleaded me

to get them a notation

they were like some were gushing some

were bleeding somewhere aggravating but

most of them were just tiresome

hello mini Z I want is be singers M :

whatever those type so from jharkhand to

Nepal from Indore to Emma Nagar I had

just had it all right so from shouting

out ethical cyber activity and you know

how can you do this to anger at my

private space being invaded to saying

police cavada me q1 carrasco i realized

that people think nothing of just

picking up a number from the net and

dialing it all day and all night just to

see whether it really does belong to

that Bollywood celebrity so from

screaming at them to just handing over

my phone to my Pathan husband who's been

educated in Delhi University for

linguistic justice to getting down to

theory more clearing myself I've done

everything but no the calls just get

more and more and more if this wasn't

enough my number is listed just below

Govinda's number

now because this wonderful Bollywood

list is not on Excel and it doesn't have

lines my number always got sometimes got

red next to Govinda's number so apart

from the loonies who wanted to sing were

the hello Govinda sir Hey

hello Gia can I speak to Govinda hair

bhabhiji jute mudball eh I was

frustrated I wanted to die okay so from

forty calls I started getting eight

hundred calls a day so finally my phone

was on silent I wasn't taking any calls

can you imagine Oh Brock would have been

calling anyway so apart from this my

number got linked to somebody's credit

card notification alert I have never

banked with Citibank I don't have an

account with them in fact I've never had

a card for them but my number got

settled in their cart alert now the

thing is a lot of you may be asking why

is it that I didn't change my number

that's because I have a con Donny number

a number that starts with nine eight 200

all right and I didn't want to change my

number to eight eight seven - or six

seven because that has a very temporary

people driver kind of a feel and I want

you to have that I was their first

identity okay well like it or not I

still judge incoming calls by the first

few digits of their number so if you are

a nine eight 100 or a nine eight 200

your gold standard if you're eight eight

seven - boss you've got to text me first

alright I'm just not doing this so

the only way I could have a normal

telephonic life was if I stopped doing

Indian Idol or if govinda ji nevermind

it's time for that so then my number

gets linked to a credit card

notification alert so I am this close

now to having anti-depression medication

this is just about as much I can take so

I call Citibank I write to them I

unsubscribe myself from their

notification a lot I mail them I call

them again but no these sms's don't stop

honestly they want that money to begin

with I had transactions of 182 at Food

Bazaar 273 at Big Bazaar retail some

train tickets random like that but they

say you know how

you make friends with this functionality

and then everything just becomes okay

you accept it and it becomes okay that's

exactly what happened so I this

aberration just nestled itself very

comfortably with the cuckoo's who called

me for govinda and those demands for

additions it just all made of one big

happy family

and I sort of got very used to seeing

these alerts from my Armada me okay he

became my vicarious window to the army

and every day I would see you know money

being spent on food and you know train

tickets nothing much nothing too fancy

no restaurants no movies etc and every

time my phone would ping and it puts a

city first I would be very happy that I

wasn't the one who was doing all the

spending and then I would you know

curiously just not what he was doing and

it was like my personal ARMA me it was

like The Truman Show

this was the nameless faceless man who

was living in my phone one day he was at

Milan one day he was a chopping Anthony

one day I actually saw a transaction

from an airy West and I wanted to say

dude can I call you can you come for

chai I want to see your face but no till

and this continued for eight long years

till one day it long is till this

January when I get our message

notification which says 30,000 rupees

spent at dazzle jewelry so I freaked out

I feel 30,000 oh my god my credit cards

got stolen hey no it's Citibank oh my

god Ahmad means God has got stolen this

felt like a personal theft it felt like

a personal loss and the Crusader than I

am I called up the Citibank helpline I

make a excuse me I'd like to report a

theft yes ma'am

should I report this card is stolen no

but can you just check man can you just

tell us your name and your birth date

for security purposes no is it your card

no can you tell me who this card is no

click that was the end and from January

onwards I've been noticing you know

spends on jet airways restaurants you

know billed at fancy places ten thousand

bucks it's going up and I've been

wondering what is this aam aadmi up to

has he got a windfall has he cracked a

great business deal

okay is this an

heritance has he made a bucket list and

has he started taking things off it is

he termini ill or is it just that you

know he's finally living the life that

he's saved up for so many questions but

one thing that makes me really happy is

that he's definitely living a happier

easier life or less care for life once

one that I'm actually learning from and

though his life is tenuously linked to

my phone I and my life's learnings are

linked to his and one that I'm very

reluctant to go you know to let go off

and this you know every time I feel that

I will get discovered and this little

link with this man on the phone gets

discovered it's going to break up and

I'm not very sure how I would feel about

that and so for the man on my phone I

still brave calls from Govinda's

undiminished unrelenting fans that said

ladies and gentlemen thank you very much